Spring: flowers, babies, and vampires.

I've always loved Spring; the weather starts to warm up, the trees and flowers start to bloom (and until this year I have never had allergies!), the grass turns green again, the weather is perfect, and there's cute little baby bunnies and geese everywhere.  Spring is a definitely a season of 'rebirth' in this regard, and apparently this year it is for humans as well.  While I was at Target yesterday I decided to keep a running tally in my head of how many pregnant women I'd see.  I was there for a little less than an hour and saw 6...SIX...pregnant women.  It was like every isle I turned down there was another one...sort of like a horror movie where every exit the screaming girl is heading for turns up another zombie/monster/killer.  Even my shopping items weren't safe; I was looking at the clearance racks and it seemed like every shirt I picked up was a maternity shirt.  I'm about to lock myself in damn house! 

Bed rest went pretty well this past week.  I was bored out of my mind, but became pretty used to bossing my husband around :)  It also helped facilitate my new addiction to the HBO series True Blood.  I'm already having some pretty crazy dreams because of the hormones I'm taking right now, but adding hot vampires to the mix really creates some interesting stuff!  Bed rest also helped create my obsession with googling every single symptom I'm having and associating it with 'early pregnancy signs'.  For example...if I had gas a little more than normal (probably more related to the gyro I ate than a baby in my stomach!), I'd google, 'gas +early pregnancy symptom'...it's really getting out of control!  Every time I feel a twinge or ping of pain I immediately run to the computer and google it.  It's amazing what you'll find out there!

I went in for my progesterone level test on Friday.  Everything came out well and I'm right where they want me to be.  The nurse told me my estrogen levels are pretty high (to which Adam responds, "I KNOW."); they want me to be at 100 or above and I'm nearly at 500.  So of course, before I could even hang up the phone, there I was on my computer googling, 'high estrogen levels +early pregnancy symptoms'.  Turns out...IT IS a symptom!!  :)

Along with the high estrogen I'm also having other symptoms as well, but it's so hard to tell if it's from the progesterone or something else.  I'm nauseated A LOT, my sense of smell is out of this world (but I've always had a very strong sense of smell), and I'm craving really weird foods (hard boiled eggs and Burger King fries...not together though!), but I'm not interested in foods I'd normally love to eat.  I can't sleep through the night very well (this may be due to my husband's horrible snoring though), but I'm exhausted throughout the day (this may be due to my husband's snoring as well!). 

So with all this taken into consideration, I did what I was told not to do...buy a home pregnancy test while I was at Fertile Myrtle Target yesterday.  I bought the box with only one test inside since I figured I didn't need to stock up on them like I have in the past since I'm going in for a blood test next week to confirm.  So I got home and immediately went to the bathroom.  I sat there and waited...and waited.....and waited.........and waited.  Nothing happened!!  The stupid test never gave me a result!!!  There was a faint negative line, but there absolutely no line in the control window part.  Of all the pregnancy tests I've taken in the last two years, and that's a lot folks, I've never had one simply not give me a result!  And since I only bought one test, I didn't have another one to try.  Of course I pulled it out of the garbage every time I went to the bathroom last night, but it was the same stupid blank test that it was every time before.  Guess that was a sign that I'm really supposed to wait until next Monday. :(

So until next Monday (May 2nd!) I guess I'll just have to accept seeing pregnant bellies everywhere I go, continue googling every 'symptom' I have, and keep my mind off of it all by dreaming about sexy vampires that live in Louisiana.  ;) 

**Happy Easter everyone!** :)

"She Works Hard For Her Babies..."

As I'm writing this right now I'm on bed rest with two embryos floating around in my uterus...yea!!!  The implantation went very smoothly this morning.  My nerves were the worst part, by far.  I was awake for the whole thing, which I was sort of freaked out about, but then come to find out, it doesn't hurt at all.  It's just like an annual exam...except the bed you're laying in is tipped almost completely upside down!  Between the ultrasound guy pushing on my belly (with a very full bladder...ouch!) and being tipped so far back that all the blood was rushing to my head, I think it went pretty well.  There was music playing in the procedure room (I thought this only happened on ER and Grey's Anatomy!) and as the doctor was doing his thing down there the Donna Summers song 'She Works Hard For the Money' came on...I was singing it to myself as my future children were being placed in my uterus, and changed the lyrics to "she works hard for her babies..."...I told you infertility is making me lose my mind! ;) 

The doctor met with us before the procedure and showed us the picture of the two embryos that were doing the best -- which is the picture in this blog(!!).  He said they look for embryos between 6-8 cells to implant and the two they implanted are 8 and 7 cells, so things are looking good!  They'll freeze the others if they develop more over the next week (they were only 5, 5, and 4 cells so far).  Adam, aka Mr. Statistics, wanted to know what the percentages of all this working out are.  The doctor said there's no way to tell with me specifically, but said overall, anyone under 35 has a 50-55% success rate.  He said this number decreases to only 15% if you're over 35...so to everyone that said I was 'too young' to be doing this...HA.  ;)  AND...he mentioned that there's a 25% chance of both taking and having twins. As Adam put it, that's like betting the middle third on the roulette table, or how many times pocket aces will get beat in poker.  Only my husband would compare our chances of getting pregnant to a night in Vegas.  ;) 

Bed rest is going well...it's been about 3 hours and I'm bored out of my mind!  I don't really mind bossing my husband around though - that I could get used to ;)  

So for now it's just waiting for May 2nd to roll around.  If that test turns out positive (crossing fingers, toes, and anything else that can possibly cross), we'll go back a week or two later to find out if it's one or twins!  Of course, Adam thinks without a doubt it'll be twins...then again, he loves to gamble and he always thinks he'll be a winner. ;)

Michael Jackson makes it into this post somehow...

Retrieval went well yesterday!  After about an hour of waiting past when we were supposed to be getting the show on the road they finally called me back.  The worst part of it all was the stupid IV...I believe I got the world's worst nurse for this....ouch!  My nerves were all over the place and I was STARVING, not a good combination!  And then they walk me back to the surgical room and I see this giant surgical bed with two huge stirrups to place my feet up in the air...I about threw up my heart!  But within minutes of laying down I was out and it seemed like minutes later I was waking up hearing the surgical nurse telling the recovery nurse what meds I was on for the procedure, and she mentioned Propofol.  Seeing as how I act like I'm wasted when I'm waking up from anesthesia, I say the first thing that comes to mind; "Isn't that what Michael Jackson died from?"...the nurse laughed at me and said, 'yesss'...and I passed out again.  Lovely. 

The pain wasn't too horrible, just felt like suuuuper bad menstrual cramps all day (but they gave me morphine in the hospital, best part about all of this!)  Later that day one of my best friends, who's a nurse, came over to give me my first progesterone shot.  I was so scared for this since it's a much bigger needle than I've been handling lately, it goes a lot deeper, and the medicine is in oil...once again, not a good combination!  But she's amazing and I didn't even feel it go in...but now my hip hurts so bad I'm wobbling around like a little old lady!

So I just got the all-important phone call from one of the nurses with our embryo update.  They were able to retrieve 10 eggs, 6 were mature, and 5 fertilized and are growing.  Five...we have five babies growing in a dish!  Soooo weird.  It feels kind of nice to not have to worry about being responsible for them for another few days, they're all in the hands of the embryologists, the first of their many babysitters, I'm sure.  We go in Monday to have two of the five implanted, and then they'll freeze three of them for our future rounds (if needed). 

As if you'd expect anything less out of me, my obsession with baby thoughts has become nothing but stronger every day.  I woke up the other night to go to the bathroom around 2am.  I was dreaming about something non-baby related, but my first thought (you know how you're still kind of in dream land when you get up like that?), was picturing my future conversation with my OB asking if we had twins naturally or through IVF.  I'm loosing it!  My husband is beyond convinced we're having twins, the eternal optimist that he is.  I'm glad that he's there to counteract my negativity.  It's hard to think positively about all of this when so far, nothing has been successful.  But then again, it's hard to imagine why this wouldn't work.  There are a million scenarios to consider.  For example, my dad works for an OB/GYN and she has a patient right now who had both of her IVF embryo's 'take', and one split naturally, so she's having triplets and two of them are identical...could you imagine?!?! 

At the same time it's really hard to not get pumped up about this and expect/want the best.  I went into BuyBuyBaby the other day with some girlfriends (if you've never heard of it, it's a Bed Bath & Beyond, but ALL baby stuff...a deathtrap for an infertile woman).  I couldn't help but pass up all the nursery stuff and want to pick stuff out.  I secretly (well not anymore!) go online and google 'how to decorate a nursery for girl/boy twins'.  I know, I know...I'm not even pregnant yet, but this is coming from the girl who was trying on wedding dresses before my husband proposed to me! I'm a planner...what can I say?!  ;)

Well, for now it's just wait until Monday morning, and then bed rest until Thursday morning.  We go in on May 2nd for our pregnancy test.  May 2nd will be the longest day of my life, for sure.  After Monday think 'sticky baby thoughts' for me and my husband, please! :)  Thank you all for your support though all of this as well, we really appreciate it!  What wonderful friends and family we have!  ...Now those of you that are doctors or pharmacists...could you look into getting me a refund on 10+ years of birth control that I apparently never needed?! ;)

"Do you have any idea what your father and I went through to have you?!"

I FINALLY got the phone call I've been waiting for!  Retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning and implantation is on Monday!  I feel like I've been sitting by the phone all day just staring at it!  I can't imagine what I'll do with myself during the dreaded "two week wait"...uuugghh!!

So far, so good with the meds and appointments.  I'm having crazy headaches from one of the meds, and the bloating of the belly started today, which lead to shortness of breath anytime I did anything other than sit...so it's been a pretty boring day around here!  ...my future kid(s) will be reminded daily of what I went through in order to have them!  :)

I'll keep you all updated with details of how retrieval went (as soon as I'm not dopey from the drugs...then again, that could make for an interesting post!), and then with implantation. And I'm sure there will be plenty of  "I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER!!" kind of posts during that two week wait! 

Wish me luck everyone!  I can't believe I'm excited about a giant hollow needle sucking eggs out of my ovaries!  Yikes!! :-/  And my poor husband will be busy providing the other half of our future children while I'm knocked out and on a surgical table...so he needs some wishes of luck as well!  This time Friday night the next generation of Wagners will be conceiving in a peti dish!  ...how romantic. ;)

Injections, anxiety, and jealousy...oh my!

Sorry it's been a while since I've updated (it's only been a week, so not too bad I suppose!) but there really hasn't been much to update.  Other than the fact that my stomach looks like it was in a fight with a tiny fairy with needle-sized fists, or that my arm looks like that of a heroin addicts...things are going well!  The doctors have upped my meds quite a bit, but so far just a small allergic reaction around the injection site is the only negative; nothing a little Benadryl can't handle!  Good news is, it's looking like retrieval of the eggs will be later this week (I was told Thursday or Friday) and there are about 20 mature eggs so far...YIKES!  They'll take all of them and freeze the ones they don't implant just in case this round isn't successful or for our future attempts to get pregnant...not sure I want 20 children though! ;) 

I also apologize if my last blog offended any women that have not expereinced fertility issues.  That was not my intention AT ALL...I'm just simply jealous...of your uterus.  I'm thankful that you didn't have to go through any of this.  I wouldn't wish this kind of anxiety and bi-polar mood swings on my worst enemy...or would I?! ;)  But in all seriousness, I couldn't be happier for my friends and family that were able to conceive exactly when they wanted to...I just wish I had some of their genes and fallopian tubes! 

The closer we get to all of this actually happening the more excited and nervous I'm getting.  I hate being 'put under' for surgery, but if I get a baby (or two!) out of it I won't complain.  The thought of having a baby literally consumes my every thought.  I can't go anywhere without seeing something baby-related.  It's kind of like when you get a new car and suddenly you see that car everywhere.  When I'm driving down the street I notice strollers on sidewalks, pregnant women crossing the street, "Baby On Board" stickers on minivans.  At the mall I'm jealous of the women with giant bellies and swollen ankles..no matter how miserable they look!  At my most recent doctor appointment with the fertility specialist I was in the waiting room when a woman walked in with a toddler on her hip; my first thought was "Why are you here?! You have a baby already!"...I almost hit myself right then and there for thinking that, but this is what infertility is doing to me!

But hopefully by the end of the first week in May we'll know if the eggs (they'll implant 2) 'stuck' or not.  The thought of not being able to conceive for over a year and a half and then possibly being told we're having twins in a few weeks makes me want to jump up and down with excitement and freak out all at the same time!  Oh how our lives will change! 

And if all goes well...this will turn into a pregnancy blog, and then a mommy blog!  So here's to change in the near future  :) 

Heeeeere Weeeee Gooooo!!!

Growing up I enjoyed being an only child; I didn't have to compete for attention with anyone, I didn't have to fight over which room I had or who I had to share a room with, all the presents went to me at Christmas...life was great!  And then came along my little brother when I was in fifth grade...what a life changer!  But I really enjoyed being a big sister, and I started wondering why my parents hadn't thought of this whole 'having another kid' thing earlier! 

Come to find out years down the road they had...a lot.  My mother and three of my aunts suffered through years of infertility, and some were not able to ever conceive even with the help of fertility drugs.  I knew I had a long road ahead of me before I was even married.  I tried to stay positive and think that it might 'skip a generation' or that 'I'd be the lucky one' and not have any issues.  But after a year and a half of 'trying' the good old-fashion way and many, MANY pee-covered negative pregnancy tests staring me in the face in my bathroom, I realized I'd met the same infertility-fate as my mother and aunts had.  I knew I had to do something soon, as it took my mother over 9 years to successfully conceive after having me - and I don't want to be having children in my forties (sorry mom!).  So off to the doctors we went! 

Long story short, nothing simple worked and given my family history and all my own problems handed to me, we're starting the process of IVF today!  It's not as easy as it sounds getting this far, trust me!  We started seeing the fertility doctor in January of this year and I just started my first shot tonight.  I have friends that have been trying long before we had to conceive naturally and they're still on the first step of meds.  Thankfully I live in a state that mandates insurance companies cover fertility treatments so we were able to not only get in quickly, but four rounds of IVF are covered at 100%! 

Now that all the details of my personal story are out of the way, I want to share a few feelings I have about infertility itself.  For some reason society has deemed infertility one of those 'taboo' subjects that must not be discussed...kind of like Voldemort in Harry Potter; "The Disease That Must Not Be Named".  Well I'm ripping the bandaid off and discussing it, and if you don't like it, or think I should keep things like this to myself...well, when you go through something as stressful and draining as infertility, then you can handle it any way you like! (and you probably won't want to read my blog anymore!) ;-) 

I know many people out there don't know what it's like to experience infertility and don't know how to approach someone going through this process. That's understandable, and all support is welcome, but please keep in mind all of us infertiles out there hear the same thing from all of you able to have children just when you think about having one.  "Just relax, it'll happen when you least expect it"...I've heard this so many times I want to puke!  I know you mean well, but relaxing won't unblock my fallopian tube!  "You're so young, you have nothing to worry about!"...please, please, PLEASE don't think that just because I'm 26 doesn't mean I want this any less than someone who is 40 and going through the same thing.  Yes, I'm 'young', but if this whole situation works out the first go-around I won't have the baby until I'm 27, and where I'm from, a lot of women are finished having babies by that time!  I've even had a doctor tell me that "a puppy would be easier!"...are you kidding me?! 

So yes, I'm only 26 and I'm taking charge of my body and my wants and doing something about it...and damnit, I'm going to have a baby one way or another!  Watch out world...the Wagners will be adding a member to their family sooner or later!

Until next time, keep me and my husband in your thoughts, and wish for minimal bruising and mood swings from the injections (that second one is more for my husband's sake!)